The Secret Life of the Abandoned Child

Continued from the Adult Children from Dysfunctional Families Page

Some parents may have mental health conditions, for example such as addictions, anxiety, depression, eating disorders, ADD, or personality disorders.

These conditions may cause parents to behave in a self-centred, hostile, indifferent, inconsistent, overly dependent, or in a disengaged manner. Such behaviours destroy a child’s trust in their parent and robs them of the security they need. Instead of developing self confidence and independence, the child becomes uncertain and insecure., overcome by shame and self-doubt.

For example, a parent with ADD may have a low tolerance for frustration due to their condition and may frequently lose their temper and shout at their children.

Or a child may have to take care of a parent who is often ill due to depression. The household has to live around the parent’s illness and the child has to forfeit playtime, to keep the house quiet. Or a parent is so self centred, that he or she takes little or no interest in the child’s life, and doesn’t make the extra effort to watch their child play sport. 

As an adult that person may say, ‘I don’t remember my father coming to my tennis matches even once.’ Parents may be in conflict in their marriage and their children are expected to take sides, may be one child is chosen to side with mother and the other with father. This robs the child of childhood, having a good relationship with one parent. 

Parents may have aggressive behaviours which affect their children. They may resort to name calling, (E.G. ‘Don’t be such an idiot.’) and to physical violence, such as hitting, pinching, or rough handling. In such an instance the child may become afraid that the parent could harm, or even kill him or her. Or a parent maybe so immature and irresponsible, that they neglect their child and don’t keep the child clean, fed and dressed properly. No proper routines are kept and the child is left to their own devices. 

 ‘I just knew no one was going to watch my back.  I had to look after myself.’

These emotional struggles affect their friendships, their marriage, the parenting of their children and relationships with colleagues and managers at work.

They are asking themselves why they feel so bad, what they did wrong to deserve their unhappy life, whilst all the time longing for love and acceptance.

The effects of not having one’s needs met in childhood affects how the brain wires up. When children feel physically or emotionally threatened in their relationship with their parents or carers, they become permanently wired for stress. 

The part of their brain that processes danger and threats becomes overactive. This part is called the amygdala, and trauma and chronic stress cause it to continuously emit danger signals, so that the body is permanently on guard and ready to defend itself. This condition of the alarm causes one to feel tense, distressed and always ready for the worst possible outcome. In the long run this causes burnout of the nervous system, as there is no relief or rest from this overactive state.

At a deeper level chronic stress and danger also interferes with the development of the whole personality. Childhood is all about overcoming fears and insecurities and developing a belief in one’s own strengths and capabilities. Stress shuts down the higher rational and logical regions of the brain, and activates the survival reflexes in the more primitive parts of the brain. This locks the child into a feeling of always being on the back foot, never being good enough, always having to fight to survive. Instead of developing a sense of being capable and of being pleased with oneself, you question your own self worth and have no confidence in yourself.

In adult life it can feel like one is running out of time. You want to start living , you want to be a happy person, but you never get there. You are always waiting for tomorrow.

Parents may be in conflict in their marriage and their children are expected to take sides, may be one child is chosen to side with mother and the other with father. This robs the child of childhood, having a good relationship with one parent. Spilt siblings up.

Parents may have aggressive behaviours which affect their children. They may resort to name calling, (E.G. ‘Don’t be such an idiot.’) and to physical violence, such as hitting, pinching, or rough handling. In such an instance the child may become afraid that the parent could harm, or even kill him or her. Or a parent maybe so immature and irresponsible, that they neglect their child and don’t keep the child clean, fed and dressed properly. No proper routines are kept and the child is left to their own devices. ‘I just knew no one was going to watch my back.’ Had to look after self.

These are some examples of dysfunctional parenting behaviours. When these children reach adulthood they suffer from shame, self doubt, anxiety and depression. They continue to struggle with the effects of growing up in a dysfunctional family. They are locked into their childhood emotions of rejection, betrayal, violation of their rights and abandonment. They feel not good enough. Their emotional struggles affect their friendships, their marriage, the parenting of their children and their relationships with colleagues and managers at work.

They are asking themselves why they feel so bad, what they did wrong to deserve their unhappy life, whilst all the time longing for love and acceptance.

The effects of not having one’s needs met in childhood affects how the brain wires up. When children feel physically or emotionally threatened in their relationship with their parents or carers, they become permanently wired for stress. The part of their brain that processes danger and threats becomes overactive. This part is called the amygdala, and trauma and chronic stress cause it to continuously emit danger signals, so that the body is permanently on guard and ready to defend itself. This condition of the alarm causes one to feel tense, distressed and always ready for the worst possible outcome. In the long run this causes burnout of the nervous system, as there is no relief or rest from this overactive state.

At a deeper level chronic stress and danger also interferes with the development of the whole personality. Childhood is all about overcoming fears and insecurities and developing a belief in one’s own strengths and capabilities. Stress shuts down the higher rational and logical regions of the brain, and activates the survival reflexes in the more primitive parts of the brain. This locks the child into a feeling of always being on the back foot, never being good enough, always having to fight to survive. Instead of developing a sense of being capable and of being pleased with oneself, you question your own self worth and have no confidence in yourself.

In adult life it can feel like one is running out of time. You want to start living , you want to be a happy person, but you never get there. You are always waiting for tomorrow.