This goes further, you are upset after a tiff with your mother and you need to offload your frustration and distress, but your partner does not choose your side. Instead he sees your mother’s point of view. You feel sold out and betrayed. He has taken your opponent’s side. How can he do this to you?! He is no longer on your team and you are getting no emotional support.
Anger leads to vengeance and revenge can take many creative forms. Your partner spends all your money. The credit card debt is running up and it’s out of control. You just paid of the last debt and a new one has arrived. Or your children no longer talk to you, because their mother has persuaded them that you are a bad father. Angered, you can’t get thoughts of retaliation out of your mind.
Anger and rage can be acted out by controlling others. Your partner may control where you travel, whom you see, whether you work and what you wear. When you become successful and independent your partner may place obstructions in your path. You have lost your freedoms.
The most common form in which anger is expressed is through arguments and conflict. When couples become disappointed in one another and feel their needs are not met, they usually argue about just about everything. Arguing is necessary sometimes to clear the air and get your point heard. You have been putting up with something for a long time and now you have finally had enough. An argument can be just the right medicine. It can show you are still interested in the relationship and you care. But when everything is a point to be argued and it goes round in circles with no positive and constructive outcome, then the underlying anger needs to be addressed. Anger has become a destructive force in the relationship. At worst destructive anger can lead to physical assault and be life threatening.
‘I hate my wife. The first thing she does in the in morning when she opens her eyes is criticise me. I get blamed for everything. I am sick of it, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want someone who will grow old with me and is there for me when I retire one day. I am only here because we have a child. If it wasn’t for our child I would have left this marriage long ago. Once our kids leave home, this relationship is going to fall apart.’
‘I don’t really let my husband get very close to me. When he does try I always find an excuse to pull away. I want to be loved, but when the moment for intimacy comes, I just can’t handle it. I don’t really know why, I get defensive and angry, and I get nervous, like something bad is going to happen. I am very mixed up when it comes to love. He is a good person, but I just have this irritation well up inside of me every time he touches me.’
‘My husband doesn’t know how good he has it. I let him do just as he pleases, he can come and go as he likes. He has total freedom, and what do I have? I am stuck at home with the kids, while he goes out and has a great time. When our son was born he didn’t stay with me on that first night. And then in the first week and first month I was doing it all by myself. It was hard on me, being a first time mom and my own mother couldn’t help out. I don’t think I will ever forgive him.’
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