Domestic Violence Can Take Many Different Forms

9 Ways Anger Manifests In Relationships

Rage and anger in relationships can manifest in many ways. Your angry partner may be critical of everything you do, correcting you on many small matters. The kitchen isn’t clean enough, the door was left open, the soup was too cold and not salty enough, you drive on the clutch, you parked too far from the curb…. the list goes on. Soon you have lost all your confidence in yourself.

Bad temperedness is another sign of anger, she always wakes up grumpy and it’s hard to get a smile, all answers are grunts and there is no eye contact. You go to work in the morning under a cloud. Not a good start to the day.

Or your partner avoids you. While you are watching television, your partner is on the computer. You no longer go to bed at the same time, or share meals. You are spending less and less time in the same room. Your partner is more keen on having a beer and going to the pub with friends than in your relationship. You sense the withdrawal.

Being emotionally cold and not extending any warmth is an effective form of punishment. The house does not ring with laughter, there’s no fun and you don’t get any hugs and kisses. Now you are living in a freezer.

Or your partner is no longer helpful. You are struggling to drag large packets of groceries out of the car, up the stairs and into the kitchen and your partner doesn’t help, he just stands there and watches you. Once he could not do enough for you, but now he goes into hiding when anything needs doing and is rarely trying to make life easier for you. You are on your own.

This goes further, you are upset after a tiff with your mother and you need to offload your frustration and distress, but your partner does not choose your side. Instead he sees your mother’s point of view. You feel sold out and betrayed. He has taken your opponent’s side. How can he do this to you?! He is no longer on your team and you are getting no emotional support.

Anger leads to vengeance and revenge can take many creative forms. Your partner spends all your money. The credit card debt is running up and it’s out of control. You just paid of the last debt and a new one has arrived. Or your children no longer talk to you, because their mother has persuaded them that you are a bad father. Angered, you can’t get thoughts of retaliation out of your mind.

Anger and rage can be acted out by controlling others. Your partner may control where you travel, whom you see, whether you work and what you wear. When you become successful and independent your partner may place obstructions in your path. You have lost your freedoms.

The most common form in which anger is expressed is through arguments and conflict. When couples become disappointed in one another and feel their needs are not met, they usually argue about just about everything. Arguing is necessary sometimes to clear the air and get your point heard. You have been putting up with something for a long time and now you have finally had enough. An argument can be just the right medicine. It can show you are still interested in the relationship and you care. But when everything is a point to be argued and it goes round in circles with no positive and constructive outcome, then the underlying anger needs to be addressed. Anger has become a destructive force in the relationship. At worst destructive anger can lead to physical assault and be life threatening.

‘I hate my wife. The first thing she does in the in morning when she opens her eyes is criticise me. I get blamed for everything. I am sick of it, I don’t want to live like this anymore. I want someone who will grow old with me and is there for me when I retire one day. I am only here because we have a child. If it wasn’t for our child I would have left this marriage long ago. Once our kids leave home, this relationship is going to fall apart.’

‘I don’t really let my husband get very close to me. When he does try I always find an excuse to pull away. I want to be loved, but when the moment for intimacy comes, I just can’t handle it. I don’t really know why, I get defensive and angry, and I get nervous, like something bad is going to happen. I am very mixed up when it comes to love. He is a good person, but I just have this irritation well up inside of me every time he touches me.’

‘My husband doesn’t know how good he has it. I let him do just as he pleases, he can come and go as he likes. He has total freedom, and what do I have? I am stuck at home with the kids, while he goes out and has a great time. When our son was born he didn’t stay with me on that first night. And then in the first week and first month I was doing it all by myself. It was hard on me, being a first time mom and my own mother couldn’t help out. I don’t think I will ever forgive him.’

Effective Anger Management in Marriage begins with recognizing how difficult emotions usually have their origins in our childhood.

The source of our anger and rage lies in our childhood relationship with our parents. Marriage is just our vehicle to express these feelings: it is the stage on which we act out our old and hidden anger. When you and your partner fight many futile battles over minor issues that never get resolve, it means you have latent anger that keeps on surfacing, always looking for a new outlet and a new place to be vented.

To understand anger we need to go back to the day you were born. Your very first experience after birth is to be held in your mother’s soft, warm and loving arms as you suckle on her smooth breast. She looks down at you and smiles adoringly – this is the birth of love in your life. You are bonding with your mom and she is bonding with you. For the first few years of your life your mom will do her best to keep you bonded to her like this. She instinctively wants to keep you comfortable and happy: your tummy is always full, she cuddles, strokes, tickles and entertains you, plays with you, makes sure you sleep enough. Later on she teaches you to master many new and exciting skills, like walking and talking. She teaches you to find excitement and explore the unknown, to have fun. Soon you get used to having your mom at your beck and call. She never lets you down. She is always there to comfort and soothe away your pains and worries. She is your rock.

When you mother wipes away your tears she is training you to be able to soothe and calm yourself when you get older. She is teaching you to handle your frustrations, disappointments, discomforts, pain and scary feelings.

In her quest to prepare you for life, your mother is working directly with your nervous system. The nervous system issues us with all the emotions and instincts we need for survival. When you can’t get your way, you get angry. When your mom is slow to answer your cries you get anxious, ‘Where is she, will she come back?’ When you have excruciating pain from an ear infection, your eyes glaze over and you ‘check out’.

These three reactions are your basic survival instincts, the fight, flight and freeze survival reflexes. In your infancy and childhood your nervous system intensifies these reactions. Think of the 18 month old baby girl who has separation anxiety. She only wants her mom and no one else. Or the toddler, who is screaming with rage, he must have it his way. Or the shy girl, who hides behind her mother’s skirts.

Your mother helps you navigate your way through these typical childhood emotions. As she does so, you learn to control these feelings yourself. By the time you reach adult life you are pleased to be master of your own ship and you have a pretty good handle on yourself. You meet the love of your life, put a ring on her finger and to your surprise, you start having emotions you don’t understand.

‘My wife has picked up quite a few kilos since we got married. She can’t be bothered to dress properly, she is always in tracksuit pants. The house is a mess, she’s on the phone to her mother for hours and she’s got no money sense. At this rate we will go bankrupt. I ask myself, ‘How did I get into this mess?’ I am angry and frustrated all the time.’

When we get married we regress to our relationship with our parents. No matter how hard your mother tried to teach you to regulate your emotions as a child, the outcome is not always perfect. You may still not have perfected control of feelings like anger even as an adult. Now you suddenly act out these feelings with your partner. Many feelings from your childhood can be acted out with your partner, making you angry, fearful, guilty or apathetic in your relationship.

Anger from your childhood makes you see only your partner’s faults and shortcomings. These are now a like a red rag to a bull. You have turned into a grumpy, bad tempered, angry and critical person. If for any reason your mother was not very capable as a parent, you anger can become more and more intense. Now you are acting out your rage with your mother and father with your partner.

Fractal Therapy can heal these destructive feelings. It helps us to regulate our emotions better. Instead of flying off the handle, you will stop, think, and decide how best to act. You will choose not to hurt your partner with rage, but to be more measured in how you act.

The way Fractal Therapy works is by very rapidly repeating the ‘mothering’ process you went through as an infant. Fractal Therapy calms you down and you learn to copy this self calming. This is a natural growth process that does not require any conscious effort. You will discover that the way you handle emotions like anger, fear, guilt and apathy naturally improves – you will have the natural abilities to manage your emotions in a more mature way.

Fractal Therapy wires your brain so that this this emotional maturity becomes possible. Instead of acting out your emotions like anger and fear in your marriage, you now only use these emotions in a constructive way when you need them.

This means you are more tolerant of your wife or husband, more compassionate and caring. You are assertive and stand up for your rights, but you are not hurtful. You take responsibility for the part you play in the relationship. You are emotionally independent and don’t rely on or control your partner. With these new skills under the belt, upsets don’t last long and get resolved very quickly. You can see the funny side of life and laughter rings through the house.

The love and attraction that drew you to your partner in the first place can now deepen, flourish and blossom.